Thursday, July 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Emergency C section Blues
I had a Emergency C-section. After months of planning, reading the books and being slightly depressed about doing a hospital birth even though I would have preferred a at home water birth. I ended up with a Emergency C-section. I was dialated 3 cm 80 effaced she was in a -1 station head down and I got a Emergency C- section. I'm sad and I can't figure out why I'm soo sad about it.
I'm an adult and I should be able to look at the facts. Facts are I needed a c-section it was not some unnecessary evil operation that Happened because of corporate greed like I had read in the books. My child had a pro-lapsed cord and was in serious medical distress. She would have never survived a vaginal birth. My child is Perfect in every way she is amazing just a easy to love baby that just wants to be held and cuddled.
Everyday I can stay awake and take pictures and talk to my husband, but every night when I'm alone and baby girl sleeps quietly in her bassinet beside my bed I just cry. I wanted to see her after I gave birth. I'm jealous of my husband for being able to stand up and see behind the curtain and that he got to hold her first. I'm sad he didn't get to cut the cord and that instead of big cheers after her birth I hear the talking of dr. about her pro-lapsed cord. I hated not being able to hold her for her first breastfeeding and having to be helped even though it really did help and we can breastfeed thank god. I feel like I ran the worlds biggest 9 month marathon of emotions and sickness and other horrible symptoms and I finally saw the finish line and it was like someone just disqualified me from the race almost as if I wasn't good enough to compete.
I'm not stupid and I know no one blames me but I almost blame myself Maybe it was the induction that caused it. My husband says she was already showing little dips in her heart beat with the first set of contractions. The fact that we had many false alarms and one time we sat there for 30 mins while they did a ultra sound on Jewel. Did she know all along that something was a miss and never told me and if something was a miss then Why wouldn't you tell me. My assumption is I guess with no definitive view of the cord no one would have ever told me. However I did read that the rupturing of the amniotic sack could cause it however I couldn't imagine that she was low fluid anyway.
Though even When I can come to grips with the idea that I had a emergency c-section. That is was Entirely necessary that Jewel is perfect and maybe I did nothing to cause it. I get sad 1 more time for the future, will I always have c-sections will I never get to finish the race. I know I will never have a home birth I was planning on doing that after Having a dry run at the hospital. I only get one more chance to try and labor and if something were to go wrong I will be disqualified for life and for everything to go soo smoothly with baby girl for so long and then to go arry all the way at the end well thats scary cause pretty much until I push out my next child the fear of a emergency c- section will always Loom in the back of my mind.
I dont even know if I'm having post partum or just typical baby blues or even if m reasoning is just I 'm only a week out from my c-section and Jewel is perfect soo eventually we will get there and I will feel better. I just nknow it but just figured I would share my thoughts
I'm an adult and I should be able to look at the facts. Facts are I needed a c-section it was not some unnecessary evil operation that Happened because of corporate greed like I had read in the books. My child had a pro-lapsed cord and was in serious medical distress. She would have never survived a vaginal birth. My child is Perfect in every way she is amazing just a easy to love baby that just wants to be held and cuddled.
Everyday I can stay awake and take pictures and talk to my husband, but every night when I'm alone and baby girl sleeps quietly in her bassinet beside my bed I just cry. I wanted to see her after I gave birth. I'm jealous of my husband for being able to stand up and see behind the curtain and that he got to hold her first. I'm sad he didn't get to cut the cord and that instead of big cheers after her birth I hear the talking of dr. about her pro-lapsed cord. I hated not being able to hold her for her first breastfeeding and having to be helped even though it really did help and we can breastfeed thank god. I feel like I ran the worlds biggest 9 month marathon of emotions and sickness and other horrible symptoms and I finally saw the finish line and it was like someone just disqualified me from the race almost as if I wasn't good enough to compete.
I'm not stupid and I know no one blames me but I almost blame myself Maybe it was the induction that caused it. My husband says she was already showing little dips in her heart beat with the first set of contractions. The fact that we had many false alarms and one time we sat there for 30 mins while they did a ultra sound on Jewel. Did she know all along that something was a miss and never told me and if something was a miss then Why wouldn't you tell me. My assumption is I guess with no definitive view of the cord no one would have ever told me. However I did read that the rupturing of the amniotic sack could cause it however I couldn't imagine that she was low fluid anyway.
Though even When I can come to grips with the idea that I had a emergency c-section. That is was Entirely necessary that Jewel is perfect and maybe I did nothing to cause it. I get sad 1 more time for the future, will I always have c-sections will I never get to finish the race. I know I will never have a home birth I was planning on doing that after Having a dry run at the hospital. I only get one more chance to try and labor and if something were to go wrong I will be disqualified for life and for everything to go soo smoothly with baby girl for so long and then to go arry all the way at the end well thats scary cause pretty much until I push out my next child the fear of a emergency c- section will always Loom in the back of my mind.
I dont even know if I'm having post partum or just typical baby blues or even if m reasoning is just I 'm only a week out from my c-section and Jewel is perfect soo eventually we will get there and I will feel better. I just nknow it but just figured I would share my thoughts
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Giving Birth or (God laugh's at Birth Plan) LOL : P
Well it finally came and went my DUE DATE!!! July 14 2012 no Julia with all the signs and symptoms of early labor there and still no baby I was anything if not PISSED!!! annoyed and slightly perterbed. Watching baby story pissed me off just cause those people got to have babies and here I was swollen and HUGE and NO BABY!!! sooo the doctors appointment on the previous day Dr. Belazi Told me I could get induced on Tuesday the 17th
Okay that weekend dragged on like a bad date with a akward exchange student!! my friends came in from out of town along with my in laws we went for a Long Walk and everything to induce Labor and make her come. by Monday night I had accepted the fate of my induction and moved on. I was excited I would have my little girl soon enough. :) so I cuddled my husband watched some movies took a Long bath and just enjoyed my last few hours of being Childless. Now I was told to call into the hospital at 6 am to check for another room WOOT a room to get labor started !!! yay me I called and would you believe they were busy. face palm!!! they told me to call back at NOON but in the end they ended up calling me around 10 am and said there was room at the inn. Oh the excitement my number has been called and in hours I would join in the ranks of mommy hood and my little girl would be here!!!
We were on the way to are hospital Virtua Memorial Hospital. My bestie Tish and my husband at my side I was ready. Had a pep talk with my mom I was ready. We went to are room I even had the room with a tub!!! Soo excited for my natural BIRTH lets get the ball rolling kids
Friday, July 13, 2012
Happy Due date Jewel
Happy Due Date baby Girl, I doubt you know it or have any idea but today is your Due date. It would be wonderful to see your little face today. Everyday that goes by without me seeing you is just torture. You are Kicking or hiccuping and seem to be having a wonderful time in my belly. I promise you can keep doing those things and more if you would just come out >.< I need to clean house Jamie and Tanner are going to be here soon along with my in-laws but now that your head as moved into -2 station let me tell you the uncomfrotableness of walking is just OW ow Ow OW oW and while your father is helpful with some things keeping house and being tidy is not his strong suit Ohwell.
I'm getting so anxious
I'm horribly horribly anxious these last few weeks pregnant. I'm having horrible nightmares about horrible things happening. I have horrible insomnia and if I do fall asleep due to pure exhaustion then I wake up in a panic. I have never been the type for panic attacks of anxiety but I"m truly starting to understand people who have it.
I worry about people coming into the house and killing me or kidnapping my unborn child yes I realize thats entirely Impossible seeing that she is still in side me but its gory its bloody its a night mare. My husband going Missing and being unlocatable and gone and with no reason and I go looking or him and I can't find him. those are like my worst nightmares.
then my more realistic fears include but are not limited too something awful happening to julia. Her being still born, dying in delivery, the house catching fire, my husband loosing his job, something awful happening to the baby. someone dropping the baby. I honestly can't imagine letting anyone near her. out of fear that something awful would happen.
I can't stand when my husband is away and I cant stand to leave the house. Now in fairness this is sooo UNLIKE ME and has only started happening I better just snap out of it cause I can't deal with this. I need to remind myself that nothign bad is going to happen and even if it did we would be able to work through it
I wish Bryan would talk to me and reassure me and make me feel better but there ya go midnight insomnia typing madness :( Now maybe that I got that out of my system I can go to bed.
I worry about people coming into the house and killing me or kidnapping my unborn child yes I realize thats entirely Impossible seeing that she is still in side me but its gory its bloody its a night mare. My husband going Missing and being unlocatable and gone and with no reason and I go looking or him and I can't find him. those are like my worst nightmares.
then my more realistic fears include but are not limited too something awful happening to julia. Her being still born, dying in delivery, the house catching fire, my husband loosing his job, something awful happening to the baby. someone dropping the baby. I honestly can't imagine letting anyone near her. out of fear that something awful would happen.
I can't stand when my husband is away and I cant stand to leave the house. Now in fairness this is sooo UNLIKE ME and has only started happening I better just snap out of it cause I can't deal with this. I need to remind myself that nothign bad is going to happen and even if it did we would be able to work through it
I wish Bryan would talk to me and reassure me and make me feel better but there ya go midnight insomnia typing madness :( Now maybe that I got that out of my system I can go to bed.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Pre-Labor
Pre-Labor once upon a time I watched people give birth on television. they would quickly feel terrible, have there water ( Magically Break), and all of a sudden baby was crowning. Like a Pizza Hut pizza in 30 mins Or less that baby was delivered!!! I now say What a crock!!!
I have been experiencing Pre-Labor kids. Something you never saw on those Facts of Life or Full House re-runs. I now realize my expectations for Labor was entirely unrealistic. Keep in mind I knew it would HURT. I'm not completely Special. However For days over a week I would say July 3rd I have been having in and out contractions Painful Painful stuff. I stayed at my friend, Tish's house while we tried to make my Labor move. Called my Husband for support rolled on the ball no baby. Followed by July 4th when we saw the fireworks I had painful contractions but I didn't go to the dr. I just waited
July 6th a quick Dr. Appt and sweeping of the membranes I thought That would start Labor.
Somewhere around July 7th Severe Pain mixed with the losing of my my TMI (mucus plug) I was positive I was in active labor at 3 cm and 50% effaced with legitimate contractions that were readable on the machine were not close enough together only to send me home.
Now for the past 2-3 days I have been having painful rhythmic contractions. I have a feeling my pelvic bone is literally going to snap in half. I think god is going to make me Soo thankful for the feeling of Labor. While some women are scared and Upset I wont be Because I can't sit in the Labor Limbo for much Longer. I would love to get to the active part then I could set a watch and Say Oh in 10-14 hours this Little girl is going to be here However until then I'm going to sit on my birthing ball Gently Rolling around Waiting for my sweet little girl.
Keep in mind I love her I would do this again. I wish anyone would have told me that this was what would have happened. I found a few medical journals that basically discuss that this is normal which does make me feel better I was starting to feel like a loser. We are soo used to seeing people use pitocin that the idea of someone taking a week or 2 to deliver is unheard of. Though there are alot of things my body is doing to prepare for Juila its training the uterus, its releasing all the hormones, Its releasing all the relaxtin so the my Pelvis will Open and I'm dilating, effacing and thinning.
I will say my biggest worry is that I'll labor at home for too long and me and Julia will miss the window for an epidural I didn't really want one but NOW I really really do. I'm also worried I wont get to the Dr. on time have that home birth I always wanted but I'm sure real labor is going to hurt enough to get my attention and then will go to the hospital and see what happens.
I have been experiencing Pre-Labor kids. Something you never saw on those Facts of Life or Full House re-runs. I now realize my expectations for Labor was entirely unrealistic. Keep in mind I knew it would HURT. I'm not completely Special. However For days over a week I would say July 3rd I have been having in and out contractions Painful Painful stuff. I stayed at my friend, Tish's house while we tried to make my Labor move. Called my Husband for support rolled on the ball no baby. Followed by July 4th when we saw the fireworks I had painful contractions but I didn't go to the dr. I just waited
July 6th a quick Dr. Appt and sweeping of the membranes I thought That would start Labor.
Somewhere around July 7th Severe Pain mixed with the losing of my my TMI (mucus plug) I was positive I was in active labor at 3 cm and 50% effaced with legitimate contractions that were readable on the machine were not close enough together only to send me home.
Now for the past 2-3 days I have been having painful rhythmic contractions. I have a feeling my pelvic bone is literally going to snap in half. I think god is going to make me Soo thankful for the feeling of Labor. While some women are scared and Upset I wont be Because I can't sit in the Labor Limbo for much Longer. I would love to get to the active part then I could set a watch and Say Oh in 10-14 hours this Little girl is going to be here However until then I'm going to sit on my birthing ball Gently Rolling around Waiting for my sweet little girl.
Keep in mind I love her I would do this again. I wish anyone would have told me that this was what would have happened. I found a few medical journals that basically discuss that this is normal which does make me feel better I was starting to feel like a loser. We are soo used to seeing people use pitocin that the idea of someone taking a week or 2 to deliver is unheard of. Though there are alot of things my body is doing to prepare for Juila its training the uterus, its releasing all the hormones, Its releasing all the relaxtin so the my Pelvis will Open and I'm dilating, effacing and thinning.
I will say my biggest worry is that I'll labor at home for too long and me and Julia will miss the window for an epidural I didn't really want one but NOW I really really do. I'm also worried I wont get to the Dr. on time have that home birth I always wanted but I'm sure real labor is going to hurt enough to get my attention and then will go to the hospital and see what happens.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Before and AFter
This is my Bow Holder How cute is this Before and after of a 4 dollar frame from Goodwill
I never went into a Big description on this I wish I would have taken more In between Pictures learning as I blog !! but I will try to explain what I did. I purchased this round frame with a meh pictures in it. It is just a print I have actually come across this 3 more times rare this is not !! Well I Prime and Painted the frame silver, Removed the glass, and basically Stapled the fabric ONTO the back which was a really thick background so that totally worked !! I then lined up some ribbons you could go straight up and down or side to side i was kinda feeling like a diamond pattern with silver glitter ribbon and now its soo cute and you honestly never see the fabric or the ribbow the bows are soo think. haha
I never went into a Big description on this I wish I would have taken more In between Pictures learning as I blog !! but I will try to explain what I did. I purchased this round frame with a meh pictures in it. It is just a print I have actually come across this 3 more times rare this is not !! Well I Prime and Painted the frame silver, Removed the glass, and basically Stapled the fabric ONTO the back which was a really thick background so that totally worked !! I then lined up some ribbons you could go straight up and down or side to side i was kinda feeling like a diamond pattern with silver glitter ribbon and now its soo cute and you honestly never see the fabric or the ribbow the bows are soo think. haha
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