I had a Emergency C-section. After months of planning, reading the books and being slightly depressed about doing a hospital birth even though I would have preferred a at home water birth. I ended up with a Emergency C-section. I was dialated 3 cm 80 effaced she was in a -1 station head down and I got a Emergency C- section. I'm sad and I can't figure out why I'm soo sad about it.
I'm an adult and I should be able to look at the facts. Facts are I needed a c-section it was not some unnecessary evil operation that Happened because of corporate greed like I had read in the books. My child had a pro-lapsed cord and was in serious medical distress. She would have never survived a vaginal birth. My child is Perfect in every way she is amazing just a easy to love baby that just wants to be held and cuddled.
Everyday I can stay awake and take pictures and talk to my husband, but every night when I'm alone and baby girl sleeps quietly in her bassinet beside my bed I just cry. I wanted to see her after I gave birth. I'm jealous of my husband for being able to stand up and see behind the curtain and that he got to hold her first. I'm sad he didn't get to cut the cord and that instead of big cheers after her birth I hear the talking of dr. about her pro-lapsed cord. I hated not being able to hold her for her first breastfeeding and having to be helped even though it really did help and we can breastfeed thank god. I feel like I ran the worlds biggest 9 month marathon of emotions and sickness and other horrible symptoms and I finally saw the finish line and it was like someone just disqualified me from the race almost as if I wasn't good enough to compete.
I'm not stupid and I know no one blames me but I almost blame myself Maybe it was the induction that caused it. My husband says she was already showing little dips in her heart beat with the first set of contractions. The fact that we had many false alarms and one time we sat there for 30 mins while they did a ultra sound on Jewel. Did she know all along that something was a miss and never told me and if something was a miss then Why wouldn't you tell me. My assumption is I guess with no definitive view of the cord no one would have ever told me. However I did read that the rupturing of the amniotic sack could cause it however I couldn't imagine that she was low fluid anyway.
Though even When I can come to grips with the idea that I had a emergency c-section. That is was Entirely necessary that Jewel is perfect and maybe I did nothing to cause it. I get sad 1 more time for the future, will I always have c-sections will I never get to finish the race. I know I will never have a home birth I was planning on doing that after Having a dry run at the hospital. I only get one more chance to try and labor and if something were to go wrong I will be disqualified for life and for everything to go soo smoothly with baby girl for so long and then to go arry all the way at the end well thats scary cause pretty much until I push out my next child the fear of a emergency c- section will always Loom in the back of my mind.
I dont even know if I'm having post partum or just typical baby blues or even if m reasoning is just I 'm only a week out from my c-section and Jewel is perfect soo eventually we will get there and I will feel better. I just nknow it but just figured I would share my thoughts
No comments:
Post a Comment