I'm getting so anxious

I'm horribly horribly anxious these last few weeks pregnant. I'm having horrible nightmares about horrible things happening. I have horrible insomnia and if I do fall asleep due to pure exhaustion then I wake up in a panic. I have never been the type for panic attacks of anxiety but I"m truly starting to understand people who have it.

I worry about people coming into the house and killing me or kidnapping my unborn child yes I realize thats entirely Impossible seeing that she is still in side me but its gory its bloody its a night mare. My husband going Missing and being unlocatable and gone and with no reason and I go looking or him and I can't find him. those are like my worst nightmares.

then my more realistic fears include but are not limited too something awful happening to julia. Her being still born, dying in delivery, the house catching fire, my husband loosing his job, something awful happening to the baby. someone dropping the baby. I honestly can't imagine letting anyone near her. out of fear that something awful would happen.

I can't stand when my husband is away and I cant stand to leave the house. Now in fairness this is sooo UNLIKE ME and has only started happening I better just snap out of it cause I can't deal with this.  I need to remind myself that nothign bad is going to happen and even if it did we would be able to work through it

I wish Bryan would talk to me and reassure me and make me feel better but there ya go midnight insomnia typing madness :(  Now maybe that I got that out of my system I can go to bed.

Pre-Labor

Pre-Labor once upon a time I watched people give birth on television. they would quickly feel terrible, have there water ( Magically Break), and all of a sudden baby was crowning. Like a Pizza Hut pizza in 30 mins Or less that baby was delivered!!! I now say What a crock!!!

I have been experiencing Pre-Labor kids. Something you never saw on those Facts of Life or Full House re-runs. I now realize my expectations for Labor was entirely unrealistic. Keep in mind I knew it would HURT. I'm not completely Special. However For days over a week I would say July 3rd I have been having in and out contractions Painful Painful stuff. I stayed at my friend, Tish's house while we tried to make my Labor move. Called my Husband for support rolled on the ball no baby. Followed by July 4th when we saw the fireworks I had painful contractions but I didn't go to the dr. I just waited

July 6th a quick Dr. Appt and sweeping of the membranes I thought That would start Labor.

Somewhere around July 7th Severe Pain mixed with the losing of my my TMI (mucus plug) I was positive I was in active labor at 3 cm  and 50% effaced with legitimate contractions that were readable on the machine were not close enough together only to send me home.

Now for the past 2-3 days I have been having painful rhythmic contractions. I have a feeling my pelvic bone is literally going to snap in half. I think god is going to make me Soo thankful for the feeling of Labor. While some women are scared and Upset I wont be Because I can't sit in the Labor Limbo for much Longer. I would love to get to the active part then I could set a watch and Say Oh in 10-14 hours this Little girl is going to be here However until then I'm going to sit on my birthing ball Gently Rolling around Waiting for my sweet little girl.

Keep in mind I love her I would do this again. I wish anyone would have told me that this was what would have happened. I found a few medical journals that basically discuss that this is normal which does make me feel better I was starting to feel like a loser. We are soo used to seeing people use pitocin that the idea of someone taking a week or 2 to deliver is unheard of.  Though there are alot of things my body is doing to prepare for Juila its training the uterus, its releasing all the hormones, Its releasing all the relaxtin so the my Pelvis will Open and I'm dilating, effacing and thinning.

I  will say my biggest worry is that I'll labor at home for too long and me and Julia will miss the window for an epidural I didn't really want one but NOW I really really do. I'm also worried I wont get to the Dr. on time have that home birth I always wanted but I'm sure real labor is going to hurt enough to get my attention and then will go to the hospital and see what happens.

Before and AFter

This is my Bow Holder How cute is this Before and after of a 4 dollar frame from Goodwill

 

I never went into a Big description on this I wish I would have taken more In between Pictures learning as I blog !! but I will try to explain what I did. I purchased this round frame with a meh pictures in it. It is just a print I have actually come across this 3 more times rare this is not !! Well I Prime and Painted the frame silver, Removed the glass, and basically Stapled the fabric ONTO the back which was a really thick background so that totally worked !! I then lined up some ribbons you could go straight up and down or side to side i was kinda feeling like a diamond pattern with silver glitter ribbon and now its soo cute and you honestly never see the fabric or the ribbow the bows are soo think. haha 

ultrasound

I have to go have a Ultra sound today. For a perfectly healthy, perfectly normal Pregnancy I have had a ton of medical intervention to a point I find it kinda ANNOYING. New thing with the dr. is they think she may end up with shoulder Dystosia. They want to make sure she is not to big and I am not to small and were talking C-section REALLY REALLY C-section Gah How unnecessary. Ive been entirely bummed all day least they squeezed the us in super quick.

dr . appointmnetn

going to the dr. today in about 30 mins super exciting. I'm 37 weeks and 4 days Only 2 more weeks and 3 days Julia just come on out. POKE POKE POKE!!! I hope I'm dilated more I was 1 cm last week just seems like 9 cm is going to take forever. Bryan was going to come with me to the Dr. But now he can't which :( I really wanted him to come. I hope I'm in labor just so his work has to deal without him they never give him any time off with me !!! > ,< ever  This whole pregnancy I have asked , begged and pleaded he take some time off he has plenty of vacation days he never ever uses. Would be nice to have just had a week where we got everything done and Maybe take a few lazy days before baby But Ohwell. He gets 10 days of paternity leave no matter what. BTW I'm just going to say it my business HURTS her head is just SOOO LOW I can't stand it much longer I really hope Julia comes out soon. This is just hurting :/

Julia first library

 Look at her little Library!!! how amazing We have block book, paper back hard back soo many books and even some Flash Cards :) I love love love it

Time is Beginning to Drag

OKAY!!! So lets be honest Time is Beginning to stand still. Everyday Is just taking a little longer. even if I keep Myself Occupied with activities it just doesn't seem to help the problem. I really want to not be pregnant. Its hot , I'm swollen , and I'm sweating in places I have never sweat before ew!!! As for Remedies for starting labor I'm getting to a point where I even know if I'm helping or using all my energy in the direction. (face-palm) it just can't be healthy.

Today I wandered a Blueberry festival, Went swimming, did deep squats, and moved in every position to make the baby move out . She is content to sit there I'm obviously a very comfy person to hang out inside of !!! >.< a little too comfy. having a person on the inside just not as comfy though Julia. I think I'm going to have a fun day of scrap booking and if Julia wont come out no biggie.